Grief and Loss

Telling children about a death is difficult and unfamiliar territory for most adults. The task is even more difficult when the death was a violent death or the result of suicide. Children need to be told the truth about all deaths. In over thirty years of working with grieving children, we have never encountered a child who was glad he was told a made-up story.

Why you should tell the truth:

• Making up a story about what happened sets children up for a lifetime of doubting what they have been told and mistrusting the adults in their lives.
• Children can handle the truth if it is delivered in developmentally appropriate language.
• Children often know the truth anyway. Sometimes what they have heard is not factual or provides only a portion of the story, leaving them to make up the rest.
• Telling children the truth helps establish open and honest communication.
• Telling children the truth helps them feel included in the family process and builds trust.
• It gives children an accurate narrative to grieve and to tell others.
• It relieves everyone of the burden of maintaining lies.
• Children learn how the family deals with difficult times and learn honest coping skills from the family.

Tips for how to tell the truth:

• Favorite, supportive adults should be present.
• Sit in a quiet, private, safe, neutral setting. Location is important as the child will most likely remember the conversation for years. Give thought to the location that may hold this memory.
• Sit eye level with the child and provide comforting, reassuring touch. You may want to give younger children a stuffed animal to hold.
• Give straightforward, factual information. Be careful not to share graphic details that create disturbing images for the child.
• Give information in small bits, allowing the child to digest each piece. Be guided by the child’s questions.
• Give a thorough explanation but do not over share about details.
• Be prepared for any reaction —no emotion, extreme emotions, lots of questions.
• Remain present with the child as long as he or she wishes. Let the child know he can ask questions and talk about it again when he wishes.
• Prepare the child for how to respond to harsh questions or statements he may hear from friends and classmates. Give him tools to deflect questions and let him know he does not have to provide explanations to anyone.
• It is okay to say, “I don’t know,” if the child asks for information you don’t have.
• Let the child know you are not going to keep secrets and will provide honest information.

Reference: Lost & Found Grief Center

Grief is individual. Children and teens usually do not tell you they are grieving by what they say and do. No two people grieve the exact same way, but there are reactions to help you know a child or teen is grieving.

Use simple, clear age-appropriate language. Caregivers should explain the death in a compassionate manner using age-appropriate short, simple explanations in language children and teens can understand. It is important to use the right words to talk about the death, such as “Mom died from cancer”. Avoid euphemisms like passed away or went to sleep, as they can confuse children and teens. This is key so children and teens do not associate the death with anything other than the reality of how it occurred.

Children and teens want to be told the truth about the death. Our instinct is to protect the children and teens from potentially difficult situations. Although it might be more comfortable for us to avoid these conversations, they are very important for the child or teen’s understanding. It can be difficult to explain a stigmatized death to a child or teen, for example, death by suicide or a drug-related death.

Be honest. Honesty is the foundation of a trusting relationship between a caregiver and child or teens. Lying to a child or teen about the circumstances of death could lead to bitterness and mistrust when they learn the truth. Let their questions guide what you share. Speak openly and honestly about the death. It is ok not to know all the answers.

Take time to prepare for difficult conversations. Take some deep breaths and give yourself time to collect your thoughts. Think of this initial conversation as laying the groundwork, allowing the child or teen to ask questions and explore what they are thinking. It is not the time to share all available information. Focus on ensuring they understand what was said and explain the death was no one’s fault.

Accept this is an ongoing conversation. The initial conversation about the death is the start of an ongoing conversation. You should be prepared to revisit the topic over time as the child grows and develops. Plan to check in with the child regularly to support them in the future.

Listen. When a child or teen is grieving, people can be quick to offer advice, give opinions and make judgments. Remember to listen without judging, interpreting, or evaluating.

2022 National Alliance for Children’s Grief | ChildrenGrieve.org

Attendance at a memorial service or funeral is a critical issue for bereaved children. The decision must be made quickly following a death. The decision can’t be undone once the service has occurred, so careful planning and consideration is critical. Our experience with children has been that children who do not attend have great regrets for many years about not attending. Those who were not given the option of attending struggle with feelings of anger and betrayal about being deprived of the opportunity.

Children should be given a choice about whether or not they want to attend a funeral or memorial service, but they must be given enough information to make that choice.

• Explain everything that will happen at the funeral or memorial service. Remember, the entire experience will be new to a child, and there are many customs that can seem very weird and scary.
• Let the child know that it will be sad, and there may be many adults who cry. Seeing adults cry can be unsettling to children, so reassure them that crying is normal when we miss someone, and everyone will be okay. Reassure the child that it is okay if he cries.
• Assure the child that you or another familiar adult (family member, close adult friend, etc.) will be there with them at all times.
• Give the child an opportunity to participate in the service if he would like to. Ideas for participation include:
  • Placing a special article, note, or flower in the casket or displaying it beside a photo.
  • Sharing special memories that can be read by someone else at the service.
  • Being an honorary pallbearer.
  • If the child is old enough, he may want to sing a special song, read something special, or share favorite memories. If the child wants to do this, adults should provide a great deal of assistance and practice.
  • Children find releasing balloons at the end of the service to be very meaningful and a special way to end the service.

If the child decides to attend the service:

• Ensure a caring adult is with him at all times to comfort, reassure, and answer questions. If possible, the adult should be someone who will not be overcome emotionally and can hear and answer the child’s questions.
• If the child becomes too uncomfortable or emotional, he should be taken out of the service. Do not make him to feel bad about not being able to stay.
• After the service, talk to the child about what he saw, questions he has or things he did not understand.

Reference: Lost & Found Grief Center